YUCK!!! So disappointed in me

Well, I goofed! I'm sure you immediately see by the picture what I did. I had two of Katie's frosted animal cookies today. I can't even explain what went through my mind that allowed me to do it or didn't talk myself out of doing it. I had an extremely bad day - mainly centering around events with Gran and I fell right back into that "oh, this will make me feel better".

That's the bad news! The good news is... IT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER! It not only immediately made me feel like crap emotionally that I ate junk but it made me feel bad physically. I got this tingly and oogie feeling all over that lasted almost 45 minutes.

Needless to say - I wont be doing that again! At least I sure hope not!

:( LA

WOW - I am starting to surprise myself!

Never in a million years did I think I would have the confidence, guts and nerve to strike out on my own to go to a city like Boston for a trade show. Going to New York with Katie during Christmas 2005 was totally different. I knew where we going, what to expect, where it was safe to be in the evenings - during the day, etc. and I was with Katie who loves being in the city!!! So - it was just a fun mother and daughter adventure.

Well, last year I was suppose to go to eBay Live in Las Vegas but Don and Katie were going with me - so that was cool. Katie was going to do the eBay kids camp and Don was going to do the eBay Live stuff with me. We ended up not going and I was disappointed because it's suppose to be a MUST for anyone serious about growing their business on eBay.

Well, I've known since November when I was in LA for Lynn's eBay Bootcamp that I wanted to go to eBay Live in Boston this year. Well, I am and I'm going alone. I tried to talk my mom into going since she and MomMom have Miss Lily's Attic now but she didn't want to go. So, I'm going alone. I'm excited and nervous... it's just HUGE! I've never been to Boston... so I don't know what it's like to hail cab's there... is it like NY? I don't know the transportation system or the neighborhoods... is the waterfront harbor area a safe place to walk? I'm staying at the Omni Parker House - which is only like four or five blocks from the Boston Convention and Exposition Center.

Anyway, I've signed up for seminars that are going to be WONDERFUL!!! I've started going to Estate Sales again (well - as of this Friday) and garage sales. I've got a pending order with Wisconsin Toy Company since the Fisher Price stuff has done so well. Goodness knows, I wish I could find another exclusive designer handbag source! :)

One thing I've been talking to my therapist about is building up my confidence to strike out and do more things on my own. I have a "safety zone" and I get nervous when I'm out of it. I love to travel and would love to be an eBay certified contributor one day traveling to these events to teach - instead of learn.

I'm never nervous if I'm with Don and Katie or a good friend or member of the family. So this will definitely be an experience. YAY! Go me, right!? I did send a message to all my LAX Bootcamp buddies to see if any of them are going. I know one gal from San Diego is going but she's staying at a different hotel.

Well, I'll be blogging about it mid-June because I'll be up there June 13-16th. How exciting!

What's today?! Wednesday Weigh Day!! It's official! I've lost 90 lbs. Again, go me! :)

Seriously, I just feel good. I have a ton of energy... I'm sleeping well, eating well, living in a "one day at a time" mindset. My therapist - I wish I'd found her two years ago when I first tried seeing a psychologist - is just wonderful! She's really giving me some good tools and knowledge to break out of some of my ruts. Go her! :)

More later!
LA :)

I'm only half way there...

 

but it's so nice to not run from the camera! I can't wait for Disney!! It will be nice to finally start being in pictures of our fun endeavors again!

Katie took this picture of Don and I and my little Canon was set to action so it's a little blurry - but she's really starting to take great pictures.



:)

Today Is A Good Day

 

Katie and I spent the entire day together today and it's been fun and it's felt wonderful! We started of our day playing with her hair and giggling. Then we went to STAR and I'm always so very proud of her when we go there. She stays on tast, stays focused and does absolutely wonderful - and there is a lot going on. The volunteers there are so great! They work with her on coordination, balance, posture, speech, etc. And of course, it's very subtle since it's incorporated into Katie's favorite pastime... HORSES. The horse that she is riding this semester at STAR is CoCo. Coco is a little older and definately fiesty but she's really started to take to Katie. I can't wait for Katie to start riding double with me. I've got about 20-25lbs to go before she can start doing that.

This morning when we were getting ready, we were watching Animal Planet (of course - I can't believe we actually have other channels because that is all that is ever on in our home...lol). Anyway, the episode was about a horse named Dusty and Emily - the cutest little girl.

When Emily was born with spina bifida, doctors told her parents she would never walk. But then the severely handicapped girl developed a special relationship with Dusty, a thirty-two-year-old horse at the Pacific Riding Academy. Through this relationship, Emily's health improved beyond everyone's wildest dreams. Now, at seven years old, Emily not only walks - she runs, and it's all thanks to her friend Dusty. There is no denying the healing benefits of animals! Especially Dogs and Horses!!!!

Then we went to see Gran. Things are better with Gran. Dad had a long talk with her before he left town. A really nice psychologist is working with Gran to help her come to terms with the fact that she just can't do all the things that she use to. I know it's hard - but like I've said all along "I can handle her tears, I'll give her hugs and comfort her as much as I can...". I just can not handle her battling me. Dad told her that if her attitude didn't soften that she would be going to NC with him and she'd be in a nursing home down there. We'll see but I think that's incentive enough not to be nasty. We had a nice visit with her today.

Then we just enjoyed outside. Katie played and played and played some more and I just enjoyed watching and laughing with her. It's been a long time since there weren't things "keeping me" from just hanging out with her and enjoying her.

We decided that since we will be out of town on our very exciting trip during her birthday - we are going to do a Build-A-Bear party later in May for her birthday. She will be 8 this year! Can't believe it. She's invited 14 girls and we can't have it the weekend we come back - because that is Mayfest at school and that interferred last year. So, it's May 19th. It will be so much fun! It will be crazy - but it will be fun!!! Lisa will be out of town - I can't believe I forgot that when I scheduled it!


Speaking of Lisa... I'm so excited because we are hanging out with her and Rick tonight and we haven't had a fun time together since December 22nd. They did so much to help out during my health crisis but that definitely wasn't fun! It'll be good to just hang out again and laugh and cut up! I stole this picture from her blog... I think it's really good.

I saw a lady from Fashion Bug a week ago. That has been my favorite store since being in sizes 20+. She's worked at the one in North Knoxville for 10+ years and it was the first time she'd seen me since I'd lost weight and she about died. She was raving!! She told me that I needed to go shopping because my clothes were huge!! I tried on my favoite summer tops from the past two summers last night and Don was like "NO!" on almost all of them... he said they were so big and blousy that they looked like maternity tops.

By the way - I'm down another pound today. That makes almost 90 pounds! I'd love to hit the 90 pound mark by April 27th, which is my four month anniversary. That is next Friday - so we will see! :) Guess I better be hitting the park for my 3 1/2 miles every day this week, huh!? It's hard to fit that in when Katie is home but I will do my best tomorrow. I wore Katie out this morning taking six flights of stairs at the hospital...lol! That says a lot... takes a lot to wear my little girl out!

More later!
LA :)

85 Pounds & 3 Miles A Day

Whew! It's been a very hard week trying to get myself back on track with exercising every day NO MATTER WHAT happens to get in the way. The only day this past week that I didn't exercise was Saturday and taking one day a week off is allowed by my exercise physiologists. I lost a total of 85 pounds so slowly but surely I am starting to move off that plateau - three weeks and all I've lost is 5lbs. Thank goodness I'm moving downward again!

I alternate taking Sophie and Hogan. They are both such good walking buddies.

It helps to have people in your life that you see regularly that are also focused on being and or getting healthy. Don is doing a great job - he's gotten really good at helping me to make exercising a MUST and he is doing a great job of exercising as well. He's lost a total of 26 pounds. My best friend Lisa just looks AMAZING! She's lost 25 pounds and she just looks great! I was so excited for her yesterday - she had a goal of getting into a special dress for her anniversary and she flew right by that goal and the dress ended up being too big!

Gran is still in the acute care wing at Fort Sanders. We are really having a tough time with her. She's not accepting the future outlook very well and that's with me working incredibly hard to try and figure out a way for her to go home and not to a nursing home. She's never going to be able to drive again and that's really causing a problem. I am trying to keep in mind that loosing a car and driving abilities would be EXTREMELY hard - however - if she gets to go home... seems like it would balance it out.

I'm about ready to tell my dad that it's all his - he can take her to NC and take full responsibility of the situation. She's not going to be nasty to me when I'm doing all I can to make her final months/years the best they can be.

I saw my behavioral therapist yesterday about the gagging/food aversion problem that I developed after my surgery and complications. That all seemingly is in the past - however; now she is trying to help me learn to say NO and to take care of myself. If I continue on this path of caring for everyone else first - me last.... there wont be a me very much longer.

It would suck big time to have gone through all this surgery and complications AND lifestyle change only to end up having a massive stress induced heart attack.

I keep telling my dad that if he hopes that I will be around 25+ years (hopefully) to help take care of him and make decisions that would be in his best interest - he needs to step up to the plate and take responsibility. He's done more with Gran's illness than he did with Grandad... but it's still not enough.

Anyway - it's bad when your therapist looks at you and says "how on earth are you managing.... you need to start asking for help".

Didn't really pay it much mind until last night at 5:45pm - I realized that I had not mailed off our taxes. We always do it certified/return receipt. I had definitely taken care of AC's, Gran's... but not ours. So, it was a mad dash to get it done before the 7pm post office deadline.

That's just wrong! I can't imagine if I'd woken up this morning and realized that our taxes had fallen through the cracks. I honestly can't imagine!

Anyway, that's all for now. I'll write tomorrow hopefully and talk about BIG plans for Katie's birthday.

More later!
LA :)

Making Myself A Priority Is Hard

I feel like I've totally lost control of my schedule and time management the past couple of weeks. Since Gran got sick - I've totally stopped taking care of myself and making my health and this journey with weight loss a top priority - not to mention the other things that are important in my life like time with Katie and Don, etc.

It's been a busy work time as well since it's tax season. "You know who" always, always waits until the last minute to try and get a handle on things for April 15th, and that's just for his estimate since he always files an extension. Then we always go through it ALL OVER AGAIN in late September. I'm never able to try and get ahead on things with him either because he has SO MUCH going on... now this huge development in Sevierville! *sigh*

Then all this stuff with Gran... we've been worried about her declining memory for months but her health deteriorating so quickly was something that we were not prepared for. It's amazing that she was able to fight off all the infections her body was fighting two weeks ago.

She has congestive heart failure, she had a mild a heart attack, she's developed chronic atrial fibrillation, she had double pneumonia, an antiobiotic resistant kidney infection and a severe infection in her lower left leg that subsides and comes back.

We were told today that she can no longer take care of herself - that she will require 24/7 care. This is devastating. And - I hate to sound selfish but it's going to be devastating to her and to me.

I can't imagine giving up independence and being faced with life in a nursing home and I KNOW it's going to be so hard for her but it's going to be miserable for us as well.

She's not an easy to care for patient - it will be difficult to establish relationships with the caregivers... I'm just completely overwhelmed.

BUT, the point to this posting is - no matter how much I love her and no matter how hard this is going to be... I have to make taking care of myself a priority.

I had an appointment with Kelly - the exercise physiologist and Sandy - the dietician today that I postponed until April 23rd. I knew if I went in with my exercise journal being empty since the second week of March - I would have been in BIG trouble and I just couldn't face that today.

So, today, Don and I went to the gym in the pouring rain and got our happy butts on the treadmill and walked almost 2 miles in 35 minutes. This has got to be a daily (6x a week) for me whether it's at the gym or in the park with Hogan or Sophie. Hopefully, getting back on track with exercising and focusing on my complex carb intake will help me get off this dog gone plateau.

I get so overwhelmed!!! I haven't done anything fun with Katie in weeks. We didn't even "do" easter this year - no eggs, no basket, no nothing!

I guess I'm done complaining tonight... *sigh*.

I'll try to think positive. AND hopefully, no bad dreams tonight!

More later!
LA :)